Last week on the BBC, as we were discussing the last post regarding Sacrifices, one of the moms called me 'zen' in response to my post. I had to laugh out loud (and Dh certainly did when I told him), since generally speaking, I am the farthest thing from zen. In my house, we call it Detail Oriented; in the world of psychology, they call it Anal Retentive and Obsessive Compulsive. I just like things the way I like them. I can't stand a messy house; I am physically uncomfortable. I like making a schedule and sticking to it. I believe that you should never leave the house to go somewhere you have never been before without detailed directions. My grocery list is a spreadsheet. You get the picture.But, in trying to look at it from the outside, I guess I am as close to zen with Ds as I'll get with anything. The fact of the matter he, he is a baby, and I understand that this is a phase we will get over. I do miss at times being able to make or change plans at the drop of the hat, stay up late watching a movie or doing a project around the house (like organizing the closets - no, that's not a joke), but, at least to me, the fact of the matter is that Ds is the priority. I'll defer anything in my schedule to make sure his needs are met - his naps, his eating, his bedtime, his entertainment. DS said it best, I think, when she said that she decided to bring a baby into her world; it's not fair to expect him to adjust to her schedule.
That's certainly not to knock the Moms who can pull that off. There seem to be certain Moms who don't adjust their schedules and their babies seem to do just fine. Kudos to them. My baby don't play like that.
And please don't think that this is martyrdom; it really doesn't bother me to have to give things up like seeing movies, staying up past 9:30pm, sleeping all night. In my eyes, that's just motherhood. Like DS said, I decided to to be responsible for the health and development of this new person, and part of that means putting his needs ahead of mine. To me, that is being a good mom. Every baby is different, and for my baby, keeping to his schedule is best. Dragging around an over tired, cranky baby around is not worth it to me. Happy Baby > Dinner out with Dh. I know that in a few years, Ds'll be old enough to be at least a little self sufficient, and that his schedule will be more flexible, and we can do more things the both of us will enjoy. We won't have to schlep around 87 different pieces of baby gear, we won't have to rush rush rush so that we're home in time for the next nap or bedtime. Like I said, it's a phase.
In the interest of full disclosure, I do have to say that by having Dsd, it's a little easier for me to see that the future is a little more rosy than those first time parents in the throes of Infanthood may be able to. When I married Dh, Dsd was still a toddler, but even still, we were able to do activities that the whole family enjoyed. We would go to the Botanical Gardens every weekend; we joined the zoo. Not cross country trips, by any means, but fun things where we didn't have to fret or worry about having the feared Public Meltdown; we didn't have to rush to get home for naps. And as she got older, we were able to do more and more things - all the local festivals, kiddie concerts, 15 mile bike rides.
In those first few weeks of your baby's life, you in no way can see this. You feel lost; completely unlike yourself. You have no idea how to care for this tiny, screaming thing and you are overwhelmed at the responsibility. You more often than not feel like a failure. But it gets better. You see yourself again, not just a feeding/diapering machine. You still do those things, but you're still you, too. It's important to recognize that you learn; you get to your know baby and you learn what to do. And in the end, you don't do that bad of a job. Pat yourself on the back! It may seem silly, but when I get Ds to do something I didn't think could happen (like nap when I think that ship has sailed), I put one tick in the Win column for Mom. It may be Mom: 12, Baby: 4,637,291, but it's something.
So the Sacrifice is the New Normal, but it's a temporary thing. Once we're through this phase, we'll be back closer to the Old Normal, but we'll never have our old lives back. Our lives have changed forever. And that's not a bad thing. Our New Normal is a Happy Normal, even if it means a lot less sleep.
This doesn't mean that, as a Mom (or Dad), you have to sacrifice everything. I *love* my job, and there is no way I could or would want to be a stay at home mom. I think those that do so are brave and amazing and have something that I do not. I love working outside the home and having that thing where I am Me, not Mommy. Something I excel at as Me. I'm a new Me, as part of that New Normal. And again, that's not a bad thing. Having this new, precious, amazing, awesome little person around more than make up for all those small things I've "lost." When he smiles at me, or falls asleep in my arms, or I see him learning something new or enjoying something so much... it makes me happy and proud.
So, zen I am. It's hard, and it's not always fun, and everything is different forever, but ya kinda gotta roll with it - or it'll make ya nuts. They always say that there is no love that the love a parent has for their child. And I guess that must be true, if it can make me, the most Type A / OCD / "Detail Oriented" person I know so relaxed and easy going about having her world turned completely upside down.
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